Nowhere can you have intimate relations as in Second Life. it’s a special world, where you can enact your dreams and fantasies. Love happens in SL and people get married in there, some even get kids and a family. Yet one guy I spoke with said, passion exist yes, but not commitment. Without commitment, it wasn’t really love, he said. I’ve thought about this a lot.
Marriage in SL has me puzzled to: You promise to commit yourself (your time, your fidelity) to another, in a world of hazy mirages and fleeting dreams. Does this really works for some? And is that form of commitment love? To me love is no choice. If it happens I wish for my loved ones that they’d be happy and free. That’s my commitment, a natural consequence of my love to them.
It’s all in the eye of the beholder. That little projection, mirrored on the shiny surface of the eye. No details may be the clue to a happy relationship, but I don’t know if it is the opposite of commitment. For me love equals commitment in a natural form. Bonding is about wasting time together. Does it have to include facts? I don’t know.
The feelings seems to fade a lot faster to. There’s no real physical memories. Falling in love has felt like finding home. No one has ever sparked that feeling in me. And I will just let it be like this. I will. No future. No past. This makes me laugh a lot because all this scares me, and fear has always made me laugh. But sometimes the feelings fades away, coz’ this is only as real as a dream. Maybe it is just that. My dream. That makes me laugh even harder.
Sometimes I wish it all could just melt together.
6 had something to say:
I think people often crave what they don't have. Many come to SL to get just that: A hot body, a fancy car... a fleet of attack helicopters ;).... but it runs deeper, some crave the life of a Casanova, and others must crave marriage. But there are things that SL can't provide: Touch, smell... as you say, the physical stuff is lacking, restricted to internal effects on our bodies, a quickened heartbeat, a shiver, people in SL crave information about each other, to know what their friends are really like, who they really are. The best you get in SL is a still photo (of who?), you don't get to see what people look like when they sleep. Even if you they fall asleep in your arms. It's a big gap... do they dribble?... do they snore?
At first you might love them precisely because they don't do either, then you start to wish for a glimpse of their humanity, because it doesn't matter any more and it would be kind of nice to see a reassuring human failing.
Intimacy is quicker and easier in SL, for sure, you don't have to give anything up, to reveal yourself. The irony is that people reveal more than they think. It's not easy to escape yourself.
You don't have to log in if you don't feel like talking to anyone. And if you stay away from computers, no one can call you.
I've thought about this a lot. How important are the facts? Is a second life relationship more shallow than a RL one because of a lack of facts? Well, I've known people with relationships in second life based on looks... and virtual jewellery... it sounds crazy but I've met them. The guy is a body builder with long hair and a wallet bulging with L$ and the girl is a blonde playboy model, maybe you've seen them too ;)
That is surely the definition of shallow. But what essentially meets in SL is consciousness, mediated through language and this is where lasting bonds form, maybe between people of a surprising sex, age, shape or colour. A bond in a virtual world transcends this stuff. I've been shocked at my own affection for people I know only through words and what they've created.
The avatar may look great, but in the end, we are all Ruth. No one is more than a shopping trip and couple of dollars away from hotness. Looks mean nothing here, despite appearances to the contrary.
I think SL relationships are probably as varied as RL ones... maybe more; I've met furries, age players, slaves, mistresses, people who are together in RL, people who aren't, people who are committed in SL, people who play around. Many certainly expect commitment and define their SL relationship very much as a RL one (read the problem page in The Avastar for an insight into virtual love).
Your commitment, that your loved ones be happy and free is a great one in a world where jealousy and possessiveness are just as real as in RL. To build a gilded cage around someone has the same effect in all worlds: Routine sets in, what was once a joy becomes a chore, what was done out of happiness is done out of duty and what was once beautiful becomes dry and dead.
The home you feel is not a sparkling cage, but it's a rough and familiar tree where you can rest between flights, however long they might be. There is pain of separation and there is longing but, despite what Li Bai says, longing doesn't turn a heart to dust like a cage does.
Sure, the feelings fade quicker with no embodied memories, no toothbrush in the bathroom and no socks in the laundry basket. But, they flood back fast. Though the feelings might live in us in that section of the brain marked "dreams" and they feel like dreams, they are more than that.
Maybe it's novel thing for us as a species... it used to be so simple: there was consensual reality and there was dreaming and tripping. Now there is this weird hybrid space where we can share our dreams... like a consensual dreamspace where we can take photos and share them on flickr.
The difference between SL and a dream is that in SL it's not just your dream, you're part of a bigger one... it's one you're sharing with an other people, real people, somewhere, whoever they are.
Fear is rarely useful but keep laughing, Kean, it makes your eyes sparkle :)
I just stopped laughing... and started smiling instead. Thanks for your words.
well, K&R... its seems that I am not the only one who is fascinated by this appealing and scaring aspect of SL.. (you almost wrote a novell Rob.. :-) )
reading this post, sometimes it seemed you 2 took the words right out of my mind..
but I concluded that SL in no way can replace RL love / relationship.
they are like pics posted on flickr... they are an image of life and / or emotions.. but they are flat... some dimensions are missing...
nevetheless, I like y guys.. :-)
Eventually, I'm taking time to write some words about your post Kean as I love the intricate relations between RL & SL..
I must admit you can find deep affinities with someone else much more quickly in SL than in any other place because of the strong impact of a better communication than just chat : gestures, avatar style, tastes about sims,... in fact we communicate much more than with just words.
But can you talk about a relationship if it's only virtual ? Can you talk about commitment if you can't be sure one will spend its time with the other ?
So many deceived friends that quickly discovered the other one finally had to relocate or didn't have enough time, taking SL just as a short term leisure..
You can only be commited and in a relationship if you reveal wholly to the other one, and if you reveal fully then the SL/RL barrier vanishes... so where's the dream ?
Dream is evanescent, you can't control it because the moment you try, it isn't anymore. Relationships can last, Dreams cannot, so I don't think there could be "Dream-Relationship"..
Am I really pessimistic ?
No in fact, our lives are filled with many little dreams, meetings, finding new kind of people, affinities, like and even love where you can decide to make it evanescent or stronger.. it's a matter of choice.
Any meeting between two minds is a relationship... some just lasts longer.
What confuses me is this: a friendship just works as a relationship, we don't need to set up rules, box it in, talk about commitment to have a relation as friends. We will be friends no matter how much or little we see each other. The commitment grows out of the love we share as friends. Why is this any different?
And about the physical dimension missing... sure it is.... but flat? Not sure at all : )
"any meeting between two minds is a relationship... some just lasts longer."
I fully agree with you on that Kean.. I dont deny the existence of relationships in SL, either love or friendship.
It is true that there are people one likes to spend time with in-world, and sometimes even more when you start knowing them better, (while others y start to dislike).
But my point is about the value one gives to these relationships.
Some time ago, I read a (German) blogpost about the hastiness/evanescence of SL, and the consequenses of this on SL relationships.. (was called SL has no memory or somthing, they even referred to this blog.. but sorry dont have URL anymore)
Anyway, maybe it is this dimension I am missing? The lack of some "real" shared memories? I dont know, but I am not necesary talking about missing physical aspect in the relationships.
In RL there are people that, due to living to far apart, I stoped seeing on a regular basis years ago. With some contact is limited to 3 or 4 e-mails + Xmas card per year and every 2 year spending an afternoon drinking a cup of coffee togheter. But if I had to choose between 1 second with them, or a day in SL...
Fact is that I cannot let go the idea that (most of) the avatars I meet in SL are idealized versions of the persons behind them. Not only the appearance, but also the behavior/emotions they show... hastiness, yes..
This is all OK in a role-playing situation, but many continue to be flat cardboard characters even when they pretend to be serious..
Of course there are some who show (other) aspects of the person behind the av by posting more personal stuff on their blogs, or share a vision with snaps on Flickr, but those people are rare..
And even then, I (up till now)dont consider communicating via these channels as having a relationship..
This is not a judgement Kean, and I am glad for you that do find (real) friendship or love via SL. Maybe it is even a loss or emptyness that I dont.. But hey, luckily we are not all the same..
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